By: Janice L. Lawrence, LPC
The beliefs we hold about ourselves and the world will often influence how we communicate with others. We begin acquiring our beliefs in childhood as we try to make sense of the world around us, and we continue to develop these beliefs throughout our lives. Our daily experiences can reinforce the basic beliefs and assumptions we make about people, events, and our environment. Depending on the circumstance, our beliefs can either be positive or negative and can, consequently, affect our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. As adults, being aware of our thoughts and actions becomes important when they impact our relationships.
We develop a belief system as a result of messages we receive and internalize over time, often during childhood and, sometimes, during periods of significant stress in adulthood. Often, the external expectations and demands of others experienced during childhood can still influence us today. We may not even be conscious of the basic (core) beliefs that developed from these internalized messages; however, they elicit thought processes that influence how we interpret situations and whether we communicate our needs effectively.
When confronted with a situation that is emotionally challenging, we are often unaware of the thoughts that appear quickly and automatically but are aware of unpleasant feelings that follow. Therapy can help to identify these automatic thoughts and any negative themes associated with them. Therapy can also assist in understanding how these messages have shaped our beliefs, for example, about self-worth, that persist despite evidence that contradicts them. When we challenge automatic, self-defeating thoughts and begin focusing on our strengths, we become empowered to make “conscious” decisions about how we want to respond in difficult situations.
Therapists use the term, “self-talk,” to describe our inner dialogue – the self- commentaries that evaluate our successes or failures. Self-talk includes our conscious thoughts, as well as our unconscious assumptions or beliefs. Self-talk can be upbeat and self-validating or critical and harsh. Self-talk that is negative, rather than positive or constructive, can be distracting and affect our self-esteem. We may not feel we have the right to express our opinions. This is important, because being ourselves builds more authentic relationships and attracts people who are right for us.
Since all behavior is communication on some level, it is important to be aware of non- verbal language that is communicated. Non-verbal language includes such things as body language, eye contact, tone of voice, and intensity, to name a few. When spoken words contradict non-verbal cues communicated, trust issues can develop. Avoiding eye contact, for example, could communicate, or be interpreted as, disinterest or that the speaker’s words are not important.
There are several styles of communication that people develop as a result of life experiences, including passive, aggressive, and assertive styles. Among these, an assertive style is typically viewed as being more positive and healthy, allowing the needs of both speaker and listener to be respected. As we implement effective communication skills in our daily lives, we begin to connect with a feeling of personal power that helps to increase our self-confidence.
Here are some positive communication skills that have been found to be effective:
“I” Statements - Begin statements with “I” not “You.” Using the phrasing, “You....”, generally introduces a comment perceived as an attack, putting the other person on the defensive.
Behavior - Describe the behavior you are addressing without name-calling or making accusations. Simply state your perception of what another is doing.
3) Feelings - Describe your feelings and how another’s behavior affects you.
Eye Contact - (Shut off the television and put away cell phones.) Once you have the other person’s attention, make direct eye contact while expressing what you need or would like to see happen.
Topic - Remain on the current topic, rather than bringing up past issues.
Vague Answers - Be specific and try to give examples, rather than broad
generalizations.
Body Language - Be mindful that body language is consistent with words.
Extremes - Avoid using “always” and “never”. Using such words to exaggerate a complaint may cause the other person to become defensive or tune you out.